My heart was beating real hard, going to this blog.

Because, well, so many things have happened.

T and I are separated…

Its so sad.

My parents + sisters are currently not talking to me

aaaaaaaand i live with shivani..

It scares me that i have been so unhappy for so many things, i have so much of guilt i have so much of struggle to be happy.

Why do i do that?

I am now scared that maybe I am just an unhappy being, and i cant bear that thought.

I thought i was unhappy in my marriage, but if i am completely honest..i wonder whether I am just unhappy period and this have got to stop, otherwise I would be ruining EVERYTHING good in mylife.

I cant change the choices and the actions that i have done in the past 8 months, but i can choose what i do going forward…. I WILL NOT look back.

I WILL NOT LOOK BACK.

I will look forward, i will make the best of what i have got, i will make myself happy – i will hammer it into my brain that I AM THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN MAKE ME HAPPY.

IT will be frikkin hard, but i will write everyday to remind myself.

Lets .

“Almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” – Steve Jobs

1. Travel to new places; but i did travel home to indonesia twice! One to visit family, and one to visit family and friends It was so good. Its probably going to be a while for me to go back, as this year is the year my parents are moving to melbourne for good ; 25th of March to be exact.
2. I didnt get any extended leave ; but i did get to be forced to have time off at the end of hte year .
3. Going back to school

What i did do in 2010

1. made Melbourne my ‘home’ by moving out from the old suburb to be in the middle of melbourne ; smack bang in the middle of it in the CBD! its been so awesome, and i love love love it. For the first time ever after coming back from an indon visit, i actually miss home, and was glad to be back in melbourne.

2. watch two concerts and enjoyed it both free too! Courtesy of Jane and Siva –note to self, have to do this more often!

3. Made the permanent leap from accounting to Information systems , and now being involved in a major greenfield project , its gonna be a tough year ahead but its gonna be worth it!

The end.

p.s. judging by previous posts i guess i might see you next year

Dear FutureMe,
Say No to accounting…you hate it…you loathe it.
You promised that you owuld take steps to make sure that you will have a new career by the end of 2009!
I hope you make it happen.
Are you happy?
How about your other resuluteion like ‘being nicer to the ones closest to you’? Did that hold through the whole 2009?

Hope so..
I hope youre okay…youre awesome…stop tellign youre self youre horrible…and putting so much pressure on yerself!

Love yourself more should be your next project !!

love
Me

Had a shower..

Had breakfast…

Grab my jacket and keys and run to the car..

I’ve done this rituals daily for the past 5 years, and yet this morning was different. Felt that I was transported back to the first day I’ve arrived in Melbourne. The feel of a crisp morning, smell of coffee in the air ( i dont know why but i smell coffee everywhere in melbourne), the ‘differentness’ of the continent compared to Indonesia, the quietness… everything. It just occured to me now, that this month is the anniversary of my arrival in Melbourne, 11 years ago.  Holy… it seems less than that…

T and I just got back from our late honeymoon in Fiji (this sunday marks our 1st wedding anniversary), maybe thats why i felt a bit different. Maybe my body thought i was back in the tropical archipelago that is Indonesia, and got  a rude shock this morning. I wonder if i will always feel this way…this longing to my homeland, this feeling of being ‘un-settled’ somehow.  Logically this doesnt make sense, Australia where my life is…and yet I always get this bouts of home-sickness.  I wonder if more and more people feels like me, as more and more of us migrates , moves and settles everywhere in the world away from their homeland. 

Anyway…its August, its seems to be a month that is full of special meanings in my life, not that i have noticed that before. I should hey? The month that I arrived in Australia, the month I got married seems to be the MONTH theme !

Its now august…15th of august…thought ill see where am at with the wish list…

1. Travel to Indonesia and catch up with old friends.

2. Get a job in a new field and start the process of career change.

3. Late Honeymoon to Fiji.

4. Birthday party with closest friends for my 30th (eek)

5. Start related degree to the career change

I started number 5…but a diff one..and its now on hold..

1. Travel to Indonesia and catch up with old friends.

2. Get a job in a new field and start the process of career change.

3. Late Honeymoon to Fiji.

4. Birthday party with closest friends for my 30th (eek)

5. Start related degree to the career change

Wah , surprisingly short? LOL.

Achieved wish list for 2008

1. A great party with family and friends (wedding)

2. Quit permanent job in Accounting

3. Finished CPA

4. Save enough money to travel in 2009

Hmm.. lets go back a bit more

Achieved wish list 2007

1. Got into Australian Youth Ambassador for Development to Srilanka (although it was cancelled and the fiji one is a mess, i still gave it my best shot)

2.  Gone overseas to volunteer

3. Backpacking through Europe by myself. ( not as nice as i thought it would be, but still an awesome experience).

4. Got into Non -profit sector, albeit still in finance but YEP, gave it a shot.

5. Bought a House. Sheesh… didnt realise that is almost 1.5 years ago

Somehow its so satisfying to see it all like this, made me see the bigger picture.

Myself, T and another 2 couples went out to go to venus bay for the weekend. We left on the friday arvo, and although its well and good to leave work early it was also stressful, because the boss wanted something urgent and needed it to be very detail.  I had to rework it to get it right to the 4th decimal places Gawd sakes!!!

The weather was GREAT…22-25 degree c on friday and saturday and 28 degrees c  on sunday!!!

Lots of walks and runs around the beach ,bit of surf fishing ( i even cast the rod) aand lots of eating bbq al-fresco on the huge deck !

One of the pic from the trip. I think this was Beach 1.( there were 5 nearby) Theres more ,but not that motivated to upload them he he he.

The only negative from the trip was the house, well not even the house…its just OUR room. IT was rather dodgy, stinky and smelly. And yeah its just OUR room:( sucks to be us! Ah well the weather was good though and it was still a fun weekend.

So today on first work day of the week, i was still dreaming of soaking up the sun , while getting bogged down in more work. However, the work is more interesting than the usual junk, am actually contributing to some decision making, rather than just mundane historical accounting. And one of the senior laydee at work brought this to work. Its from her own garden…isnt it lovely? We all get to take some home..yay!

So, there are still 4 more work days left…but my monday went pretty good. Small mercies… =)

I had such an awesome weekend its worth revisiting. Me and a girlfriend went running around the yarra river on saturday morning and it was such a beautiful day. Huffing and puffing up and down hills was definitely worth it. We congratulated our efforts with breakfast at the Kanteen cafe right next to the river.

Pretty no

I had the sticky black rice with fruits! I have the picture but its in my friend’s cam. Oh well.

On sunday me , ITnerd, and two friends went for brunch @ St.Kilda. Mmmmm

I love my brekkie!

What you see there, is poached eggs with sweet potato , feta cheese and vegies hashbrowns served with home made chutney and Spinach! YUM!

And after that went to the dream festival , an art and live music festival. Went on the ferris wheel…mostly because its a nice day and the ITnerd is scared of heights!! ahahah IM eevil!

I told him this is his test run for OUR next ferris wheel…. THE gigantic ( well for australiansize) Melbourne EYE! Mwaahhahha.

Eeyew, sounds a bit like a proper accountant.

Basically, I’ve combined my two blogs together in this one.

The reason why i had the two was because i just couldnt reconcile “ME”. The indonesian ‘Me’ and the this older ‘Me’. I tried to keep them separate, because either i think people dont understand…or im afraid to be misunderstood.

I dont know why, but now after some major things that happened the past 6-12 months, im finally at a place where I am more comfortable with myself. More comfortable with not caring too much about what people think/may think/ perceive who I am.

From the chorus of the song “i am not my hair ” by india arie.

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations
I am a soul that lives within